Funny Quotes and Images
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers
Funny Stock Images
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend’s dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I’m going to do with two dead dogs?’”– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“–Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as though I was’?”
Grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.-Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.-Cindy from Marzahn
“EVERYBODY PANIC!”-Will Ferell
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
Funny Quotes About Life
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”—David Letterman
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”-Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.-Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.-Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”-Claude Pepper
Funny Cursed Images, Funny Inspirational Quotes,
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.-George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.-Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”–Robin Williams
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.-Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.-Robert Bloch
Funny Happy Birthday Images
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together!
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous
Funny Senior Quotes
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus